The Art of Conversation
Conversations can be Difficult and Awkward
As an incredibly shy child and young adult, conversations didn’t always come easy for me. I put this down to having less practise while developing as a child, which put me well behind my peers in the art of conversation. I’d love to go back in time and watch myself squirm through awkward conversations. I can’t. But I can hazard a guess as to how I looked.
The Body Language of Awkward Conversations
Thinking back, embarrassment was usually present, I tended to blush, often and easily. And I remember clearly that blushing, caused me further embarrassment. My body, most probably, would have curled inwards, defeated at how badly I was doing. I find my awkwardness laughable now, but at the time the experience was awful.
My head and shoulders would have combined into one—my head shrinking down in an attempt to hide in the open. While my arms probably hugged my body in an attempt to bring myself comfort, inadvertently creating a physical—and phycological—barrier. My shoulders would be raised and tense with fear. My facial expression, would, no doubt, be showing fear, because I know, at times during conversations, I was terrified.
Conversation Techniques
I’m all good with conversations these days and I’m no longer shy. In fact, in my previous role as Training Manager, I used to teach verbal conversation techniques to a sales team. These days, I teach the same techniques at a basic level, to children attending my Confident Kids Course.
If you feel awkward during conversations, then understand this super important point... People have a more positive experience when you let them talk about their self. When you do this, they leave the conversation liking you more. Introverts and shy people rejoice–just let your conversation partner ramble on!
“People have a more positive experience when you let them talk about their self. When you do this, they leave the conversation liking you more.”
Questioning Techniques
What’s more, you can easily learn to get better at conversation by brushing up on questioning techniques, like avoiding closed questions (questions which result in a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, or a short response). Instead, use open-ended questions which encourage the other person to talk more. Typically, open-ended questions start with how or why. Throw the word 'feel' in there and you'll probably get an even longer response, for example, "How did that make you feel?".
Nonverbal Cues to Keep People Talking
You can also use nonverbal cues to encourage your conversation partner to talk more, like a slow nod, which shows you’re listening and engaged. Any body language or facial expression which show engagement may help, like leaning in and raising your eyebrows (at times, not constantly).
Verbal and Nonverbal Interjections
Short interjections, verbal and nonverbal, also encourage a longer response. Verbal interjections include, "yeah", "I see", "okay", etc, and nonverbal interjections (anything which isn't an exact word) include, "uh-huh", "aha", "ah", "mmm", etc.
Embrace the Pause
Learn to get comfortable with pauses. Embrace them, because it's likely your conversation partner will either use the pause as a cue to keep talking or will feel awkward, prompting them to feel they should talk more. If you think the latter is the case, maybe it's time to change the topic.
Be Present in the Conversation
As your conversation partner speaks, try to be present in the conversation. This shifts your focus from negative emotions like fear and embarrassment to your conversation partner. When you become present in the conversation, you’ll become more relaxed. And because you’re listening intently, you can pick up on specific points you hear, bringing them up later if needed. This is handy if you feel like you’re struggling to come up with what questions to ask next. For example, “You mentioned earlier that didn’t feel good about …, why is that?”.
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Thank you,
—Sophie
Confident Kids Course, Perth
If you’re in Perth, Western Australia, and have a child who needs to build confidence and/or learn the art of conversation, check out my Confident Kids Course in Midland and Subiaco, or contact me about one-to-one help. I started this course based on my experience so that children can learn the skills early and not have to endure awkwardness as they go into adulthood.
I gently push them out of their comfort zone and give them the practise, skills and knowledge to get on with their life, with less of the fear and discomfort of a lack of confidence.
To learn more about conversation and which verbal and nonverbal behaviours can kill a conversation, check out this article:
